I don’t
always write about love on my blog, but when I do, it’s usually subtle or
cryptic. That’s not really the case
here.
A while
back I noticed that a number of my friends shared a blog post on Facebook called “Marriage isn't for you.” After first
reading it, I didn't like it. After
reading it carefully a few more times and taking time to think about it, I
still don’t like it.
Before
continuing, let me give some context and disclaimers. The author is married. The only people I recall that shared and
extolled his article are married. I am
single. Perhaps my views are skewed by
my current relationship status. Perhaps
the views of the author of the article are skewed by his.
There
are many things in the article that I agree with, but I think the main point
holds some scary implications.
So
basically, the message I got from reading the blog was that if I want to get
married, and I’m not married, then it’s my fault. I should have just gotten over myself in
previous failed relationships and worked harder at making my potential spouse
happy. Even if I wasn't into the girl
that much. After all, it’s not about me
or what I want, right?
OK,
maybe I took it too far in that last paragraph. The author clarifies his stand by adding
another element: “love and marriage isn't for you.” Looking past the
grammatical error, we see that love is part of the equation. After all, if I’m not into a girl that much, I
don’t suppose I love her.
That
being said, I think that it’s completely fine to want to marry someone because
it will make you happy. 2 Nephi 2:25:
“Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” (I think it’s relevant to quote Mormon
scripture here because the author of the blog post is a Mormon, as am I.) Mormon doctrine teaches that one of the main
purposes of this life is to get married and start a family; according to the
scripture, another big one is having joy. The article makes it seem like you’re selfish
if loving someone has ever made you happy.
A close friend told me recently that he believes everyone deserves someone who is crazy
about them, as far as relationships go. I
agree. I want to be madly in love with
my wife, and I want her to be madly in love with me. (Wanting this is what’s helped me get through
rough patches of unrequited love.) I'm not naive enough to think that it will be like that in every moment throughout a relationship - I know that there are rough patches. But "crazy about each other" should be the default. The
blog’s author would probably say that if this isn't the case for either or both
parties, you can get married and things will work out if you try hard enough. Sure, that might produce a functional and even
successful marriage, but it wouldn't make me happy. I don’t want that.
Also,
fulfilling someone else’s needs so fully and neglecting your own (as described
in the article) could probably result in all sorts of social and psychological identity
issues. The needs of both individuals
should be met, and each should focus on improving the relationship between the
two, not exclusively on the need of the other one.
Do I
have to be married to be happy? No.
Will
getting married increase my happiness? I
certainly hope so!
Will I
marry someone because I want to make them happy? Yes.
Will I
marry someone because it will make me happy? Yes.
